Hypothetical

This blog post is totally hypothetical. This is just an exercise in case such a thing were ever to happen to me. Or, maybe this is a creative writing exercise. I just thought you should know that. So, hypothetically, Bob has now gotten me sick at least twice. I share a cubicle wall with Bob. When I am in Bob's cubicle, or in a meeting with Bob, he displays perfect manners. He coughs or sneezes into a kleenex, and no other sounds emanate from his person. However, when he is behind the privacy of his one inch cubicle wall, composed of cloth, and possibly foam in the center, he feels emboldened. He seems to feel that he is in a private room where no one will be able to hear the noises that he makes, or be able to become infected by the germs that he spews. For example, Bob, why do you hack lougies in your cubicle? Are you not aware that this is revolting and that because of you, my stomach nearly empties itself several times a day? Do you not know that hacking lougies is actually a rather loud process, and that it can certainly be heard within a five cubicle radius? And I don't hear you spitting. Really, Bob, what's the point if you're just going to swallow it again? Bob, I don't have anything against hacking lougies. I do it as much as the next girl when I am in private and don't want to swallow the sort of crap that this cold that I have is producing. But, lougies=private. Private damn it! And, Bob... snorting? Just blow your nose! That is pretty gross too, and I certainly never ever do this within the thin walls of my cube, but I realized not everyone can be as dainty as me, walking a whole 30 feet to the bathroom to spare others from the disgustingness. Nose blowing I can forgive. Snorting? Snorting is in a different ball park. I know you know it is gross, because you never do it when someone else is actually present with you in the same room. You seem smart. How could it be that you don't know cubicle walls don't provide a sound barrier? All of this I could probably overlook if it weren't for the fact that I am sick with your most current bug. If you're going to let go of social standards, at least cover your mouth when you cough, hack, and sneeze inside your cubicle, don't just save this for when others are within the cubicle walls. Because, cubicle walls do not actually filter very well, trust me, I know from experience. Bob, I find that I can't stop here. Besides your total lack of manners within your cubicle personal hygiene wise, I have to ask, must you yell every time you speak? I can usually tune it out, but the other day, when you and your friend who you sit next to were screaming the details of a movie you had both recently seen I found myself very annoyed. I wanted to see this movie too. However, now I know the ending, the middle, the beginning, and all of the character details and surprises along the way. If you were to just speak at a reasonable volume, perhaps I wouldn't know the whole plot. Bob, I think I will stop here. You seem like a very nice man. You are always so polite when I talk to you, and you seem very well rounded and intelligent. Hacking lougies, snorting, getting me sick all the time, and yelling loudly the plots of movies are all very fixable details in your character, so please don't despair. Also, please don't throw me out of my cubicle window. I'm just trying to help. And you drove me over the edge. I plead insanity. Sorry.

Comments

  1. What a guy!
    Yep, I hope he doesn't throw you out of the cubicle to join those poor baby geese that fell to their demise.
    Maybe he is fixable. Let's hope so.
    Or maybe you'll become immune to all of his bugs eventually... and earplugs could solve the rest of it. Really.

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  2. Man oh man. Tess, I feel for you. Maybe you can plan an intervention for "Bob." I'm sure you're not the only one suffering from Bob's grody behavior. Gosh, this brings back memories of when I used to live in the same cubicle land you speak of...a certain graphic designer had a nasty habit of burping whilst in her cubicle (yes, HER cubicle), and I could hear her do it throughout the day even though my cubie was a couple rows away from the offender. Ugh.

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  3. Wow, that is totally gross and disgusting and would completely get on my nerves....

    Did the little baby geese really not survive?
    :-(

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  4. Yeah, immunity here I come..

    I'm surprised about the graphic designer you speak of and the loud burping. Interesting. I must not be in range. :)

    One baby goose survived.. but the others didn't make it. Mama goose marched them off of the roof to get to water, but she forgot they couldn't fly. It was really sad.

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  5. Hey, this "Bob" guy sounds like a total stud-muffin! Any chance he's single?

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