Jan 25, 2009

Why Laura is Cool

I can't stop giggling about this email exchange my friend Laura and I had the other day. First, I better give you a couple of tidbits of information so you aren't lost. First of all, the reason I am spelling things like "wayl" when I mean well, is because we have come up with this super cool dialect where we try to sound as foolish as possible. I think it began as making fun of the Utah accent (you know, like saying layg instead of leg), but it seems to have taken on its own special life. I'm not sure why she wasn't participating, she must have been distracted by her hilarity. Second, at the place where we go to lunch a lot, which I now realize I have to blank out to protect the innocent, there is this girl who works as a hostess. She wears this skirt all the time that has a slit up the back and the slit stops just shy of her goods. I always enjoy watching her when she is leading men to their tables because they'll be stumbling along in a haze of testosterone while staring and they'll all turn their heads as they stare, as if they can see that extra inch by doing so. I can't blame them one bit, as I caught myself doing the same thing the first time I noticed. You would too, although I can't explain exactly why. Here is an illustration in case you can't picture it well enough. Looks like she forgot to put fake tanner on her legs. And she really went overboard with the collagen, huh? And no, she isn't blind in one eye, that my friends, is a wink:



Me: Haylow, I can go to lunch today or tomorrow. Possibly not fridee. How do you feel about that? I hope it doesn't upset you.

Her: Oh no...my heart. That IS upsetting that you might not be able to do lunch on Friday. But. I'm leaving work an hour early today so I could do lunch at like 12:15 if that would work.

Me: Wayl, that sounds wonderful. Should we do (restaurant with scantily clad hostess) this time?

Her: Sure. Although, it may have to be 12:20 that we meet then. Plus, I just spilled an entire pot of coffee all over myself and it looks like I have diarrhea splattered pants. I sure hope that one girl is wearing her skirt with the butt-length slit so as to distract people from my appearance and rather bold smell...

Me: Okalie dokalie, I'll meet ya in the lobby at 12:20. We could just camouflage you somehow so everyone will think it is something much less embarrassing. like.... for example... well. You know what I mean. I'm sure that if you asked her the girl might even do something extra scandalous to help you out.

Her: Hmm...so make it look like I had an actual accident in my pants? That's a pretty damned ballsy idea. It just might be crazy enough to work. We'll fool them all - even if that young lady doesn't show up.

4 comments:

  1. You and Laura seem to share the same outrageous sense of humor. So, I suppose she thinks you're cool also. Okay, I think you're cool, so maybe that means I have the same humor problem.
    Nasty pic of waitress. Her skirt slit can't REALLY go up that high...can it?

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  2. I can vouch for that drawing as being 100% accurate. Well...except for the fact that in reality the girl has long black hair. But perhaps this was some sort of identity protection? In which case I guess I've just ruined everything.

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  3. Oh, yes, the slit CAN go up that high, it goes up exactly to the point where her butt cheeks fold into her thigh, so this drawing is dangerously accurate. I'm so relived it didn't turn pornographic, but it was touch and go for awhile there.

    LAURA, you've RUINED it. Now they'll have to relocate her.

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  4. Oh, I mean fold into her thighS. She does have more than one thigh.

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